A very personal note

A few weeks ago, i was a bit more withdrawn than i usually am, both in my everyday life with friends and family and also on Instastories (which i actually really love interacting with you all there). I mentioned that i was having a rough personal week and i would share- one day. 

I've been working on a note to you all to explain and i was never quite able to finish. To be honest, i'm not sure why. Maybe because this is a business blog and it's an anomaly to post something like this? Maybe because it is personal, but i also wanted to share for awareness? I'm not sure, but i also want you to all know that i'm real, with real feelings, and real life experiences. I tend to internalize things and then can become combustible with emotion until i'm ready to share. 

So here goes...

Back on October 6, 2017 I had my annual mammography at Norma Frame Breast Center. I have been getting my boobs smooshed since i was 35 years old simply for early detection because of the history of breast cancer on the maternal side of my family. I had both a mammogram and an ultrasound. Unfortunately, a lump was found but nothing too concerning, but enough so that my doctor asked i be checked bi-annually. 

Later spring, i had my bi-annual exam and nothing had changed, but about one month later i was in pain in my left breast. It hurt to exercise, to roll over in bed and to even hug my husband. Forget about it if Parker and i were wrestling, the pain was crazy.  I called my doctor and went for another exam. The lump hadn't changed in size or shape so nobody was worried. The consensus was that the pain was coming from my cycle most likely, and the fact because i'm aging my hormones are changing. (I mean, shit, just another thing to think about or feel when you age? insert eye roll)

Fast forward to just a couple of months ago. October 30 to be exact. I had my second mammogram and ultrasound of the year. I had been having pain again in my left breast. The ultrasound seemed to take a bit longer this time and when the technician left to talk to the doctor about the images i laid there very impatient. I'm not the best with patience anyway, but this was brutal. I remember thinking in my head.."FML, this is taking foreverrrrrrr." So sure as shit, the technician walked back in with the doctor. My heart sank.

"The lump we found last year has grown and changed shape. You need to have a biopsy." I just sat there, almost emotionless because "This isn't supposed to happen to me" i thought. But it was.

I left and immediately sent my husband a text. He has a way of saying the perfect things to me to take me off my ledge and calm my brain. 

There was two weeks until i had the biopsy. In those two weeks i was surprisingly calm. You see, my faith in God is very strong. I knew by worrying about something i had zero control over wasn't good for me. I held tight onto the fact that God would give me only what i could handle. 

That calm lasted only until the morning of the biopsy. Christopher took off work to attend with appointment with me. When the nurse called me into the room and my sweet husband high-fived me to tell me everything would be OK, that is when i lost it. As i was laying on the table getting prepped for the procedure, tears were streaming down my face. Thinking back, i wasn't scared of the procedure per se, but all i kept thinking about was the 'what ifs'. What if i have cancer? How will my life change? Have i been the happiest i can be? Have i made the best memories? Do i have regrets? Have i hugged my son enough? Have i done all the things i want? I mean, the amount of thoughts that went through my brain in that moment was unreal. 

The procedure lasted about an hour. My breast was numbed so a long needle could be inserted to remove tissue for testing. Then a small, hair-like clip was put on the spot - almost like an X marks the spot. I was told the results would take about 3-5 days. I heard in 2. 

The results were benign. (Praise God!) What i have is called a tubular adeonoma. There is no chance that this particular mass will turn cancerous. I then had to wait a couple more days on pathology to find out if they wanted to remove it or not. At this time, it was decided it isn't large enough to remove, but in 6 months i'll have another ultrasound. If it has grown, most likely i'll need surgery. 

For three weeks my breast was black and blue, and hurt - badly. It was also a daily reminder of all the thoughts i had while waiting for the biopsy to get done. Guys, i have to say that i have done so, so much soul searching since that day. I have made so many mistakes, I have also learned from them; I haven't made enough memories, but i'm working on that; I'm learning to embrace the littlest things in life, the chaos, the mess and the beauty of an amazing plan God is working on for me behind the scenes. This experience opened my eyes up so, so much to my life in a way i never expected and i truly believe God had his hands in this. 

I was really, truly impacted by thinking that you only have one life friends. That's it. One. Think about that, like really, truly think about that. We all have a choice to live happily and fulfilled. Are you living your best life?

I have some of the best people in my life who fulfill me and balance me. I get to design each day which i adore and i have two boys in my life that i can't imagine without. Life is short, live it happily.  

I have since started working with a life coach (if you are reading, thank you from the bottom of my heart) and as i work through a season of change, i can't wait to inspire you all and hopefully encourage you all to live your very best life.


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